There are a number of examples of very strong personal and creative expression in this piece, Sam.
I’m going to focus (by changing their colour to red) on the phrases and sentences that I feel may need a little more work. Often they are correct, but unclear or even simply clumsy. If you don’t know what I think is wrong, or don’t agree, feel free to discuss it in a comment on this page.
It was a dark and dingy day and it was pouring with rain. Everybody stayed in their homes and looked solemnly outside of the window and did not set a foot out of the front door. Beyond the Houses of Parliament, a gigantic mansion stood firm containing a master mind observing his city.
The sudden flush of sorrow lingered in the city streets until one man stood up to protest against the leaders.”Let us not sit in our homes pulling faces and watching the television. Our city was a comforting place and very peaceful, but do not let the power of our city’s pain and tribulation come upon us but let our freedom rise from the dead.”
He wondered down the middle of the road, knocking at each door and was always met by a man or a woman but this confrontation troubled his faith in the people of this city. In front of him stood the vicious guards of this city, he gave up with passion because of what he had done. The air which was clear smelt of obnoxious food. He felt the loss of his city’s freedom struggling to enter,he heard the monstrous sound of his heart stampeding enormously,the city will gradually die with excruciating pain unless he could convince the guards to join him in a force to make our city a better place for everyone.“Lets say that you are me and your city has been totally demolished by an evil genius and many of his companions with lasers and mutant powers,what would you do? Other people are getting terrorised by aliens and your just going to standing caging people in prison cells.Well, that is what I’m trying to do without you guards putting a burden on my back so are you in or are you not?